There’s something wrong with my picker! Selecting a Mate 101

I’ve heard this lament many times in my practice: how come I’m getting along better with my ex now than when we were together? Sometimes this leads the person to reconsider their ex-partner and they get back together… only to fall into conflicts and break up once again. What is going on here?

I try to educate people on the differences we take with relationships depending on the nature of said relationship. We have vastly different expectations from a friend versus a romantic partner versus a family member. Many people don’t think about these expectations and thus don’t understand the dynamics in operation. Here’s an example. You set a lunch date with a friend. You arrive early because that’s how you roll. You grab a table and wait. And wait. And wait. The friend is notoriously tardy. You knew this but somehow thought maybe this time would be different (sigh). Nevertheless you make allowances for this friend because you enjoy their company. They finally arrive. All told you’ve been sitting alone long enough for the waitress to refill your drink three times. You might say some remark about their tardiness but by the end of lunch you’ve either forgotten the infraction or make a mental note to next time tell them to meet 30 minutes sooner and you adjust your arrival based on their pattern.

Same scenario but now it’s your significant other. You’re meeting up from two different locations but agreed on time and place. They’re late while you’ve been (im)patiently waiting for them to show up. By the time they take their seat, you are seething. You have the following options: A) you bark at them for being late; B) you stay quiet and when they ask if everything is okay, you reply with a curt, “I’m fine”; or C) you forgive them and enjoy your lunch. Chances are you choose option A or B (or some variation) which invariably sparks a fight. If you choose C, congratulations… but you may be fooling yourself into thinking it’s no big deal and the frustration comes out later.

WHAT KIND OF RELATIONAL OBLIGATION ARE YOU EXPECTING?

Why would the same situation cause such different reactions? The answer has to do with your perception of the relational obligation. You tend to make less demands from a casual dating partner versus a long-term committed partner. When we are casually dating, we will put up with more irritations than we would with someone we commit to long term. This is because somewhere in the back of our minds we think the casual relationship will run its course and we’ll just ride it out until then. Or we may put up with irritants until someone better comes along and then ditch our current partner for a new one. None of these approaches are healthy but are common in this disposable culture.

I urge people to consider what they want in a long-term partner if that is their ultimate goal. I had to come to terms with this myself when I was 20-something and tired of the dating scene. I actually made a list of various characteristics and/or traits I wanted in my future husband and decided on what I call the non-negotiables. An example of a non-negotiable might be healthy eater, loves dogs, or has the same spiritual beliefs. An example of a Nice-to-have characteristic/trait might be spontaneous, likes camping, or extrovert. One person’s Nice-to-have could be another’s Non-negotiable. That’s why it’s important for you to identify what goes on these lists.

I often find people have these lists in their heads, but don’t refer to them during casual dating. Instead, they only look at what’s right in front of them: is this person attractive? Did someone set us up? Do I have fun when we’re together? Do we like the same activities? Is the sex good? If the dating partner meets this casual criteria, they stay together and tolerate any differences because, hey, it’s casual, right?

PEOPLE GET COMFORTABLE AND RELAX THEIR STANDARDS TO THEIR DETRIMENT 

Longevity doesn’t indicate a good fit but what happens is people get comfortable. That imagined “better person” doesn’t come along and you make concessions for the things that bother you because you don’t want to be alone. Fast forward 2, 5, 7 years and you think, “I’ve invested this much time already, I don’t want to start over.” So you make it official and either get married or its assumed you’ll be together long term.

Problems arise as you bump up against your Non-negotiable list. Intrinsically, you KNOW this isn’t the right person for you but you compromise hoping to make it work. Add children to the mix and you’ll convince yourself you can stay together to raise the kids and see what happens. Unfortunately, what you transmit to your kids is an unhealthy family structure. If you decide you can’t put up with it and split up, you then add more chaos to the family unit. Blended family issues ensue, and dysfunctional patterns repeat themselves. Your kids end up in my therapy room as young adults trying to make sense of the fallout.

Problems arise as you bump up against your Non-negotiable list. Intrinsically, you KNOW this isn’t the right person for you but you compromise hoping to make it work. Add children to the mix and you’ll convince yourself you can stay together to raise the kids and see what happens. Unfortunately, what you transmit to your kids is an unhealthy family structure. If you decide you can’t put up with it and split up, you then add more chaos to the family unit. Blended family issues ensue, and dysfunctional patterns repeat themselves. Your kids end up in my therapy room as young adults trying to make sense of the fallout.

I hate to paint a bleak picture, but I’ve seen this play out all too often. How about saving yourself (and others) all kinds of grief and being more intentional with your approach to relationships? Here’s my suggestions for improving your “picker”:

• Grow up. I’m talking to post high school adults here. When you were younger, your outlook was formed by an immature brain. If you had a girl/boy friend in high school, you have to reevaluate if this relationship is maturing along with you. Be honest and consult a trusted older adult to help you see what might be hidden from your view.
  
  
• Make that list of characteristics you want in a future mate and refer to it periodically. You can update it as needed. If someone doesn’t fit the Non-negotiable of the list then hold yourself accountable and pass on dating that person. Or if you think you want to have “fun” for a while then keep referring to the list and remind yourself this is ONLY temporary. Temporary could mean 6-9 months. Guard your heart here as it gets very tricky to casually date someone for a long period of time. It’s easy to convince yourself you are “in love” and can’t live without this person.
  
  
• Evaluate the health of your friendships. Friends are a good barometer of your romantic partner provided the friends are mature and wise. If you don’t have wise friends, get some. Even if they have to be older. If you have friends you consider wise, listen to them! If you trust their judgment and they can be honest with you then consider carefully their opinion.
  
  
• Caution against anyone who says, “I have the perfect one for you.” Do they know what you value in relationship? Have you had specific conversations about what you’re looking for? Too often well-meaning others (family, co-workers, etc) may think they know who would make a good partner for you or they just like to play match-maker. Don’t fall for the trap that someone else knows you better than yourself.
  
  
• Listen to your gut as soon as possible. Too often I hear people regret ignoring red flag after red flag in the name of being accommodating. There’s a reason your gut is telling you this isn’t right.
  
  
• DON’T rush into marriage. Waiting for time and exposure to reveal a person’s true character is a worthwhile investment of your time. It will save you heartache and surprises later. Many people are good at hiding their flaws for anywhere from 2-6 months. I recommend waiting about 2 years before you get engaged if your goal is marriage. By then you’ll have gone through enough time to see how the other person handles pressure, surprises, obstacles, etc. Nothing reveals character like adversity and if you wait long enough, life throws adversity at you.

SATISFYING RELATIONSHIPS TAKE INTENTIONALITY AND EFFORT

A final word about the structure of romantic relationships. I’ve bumped up against the increasingly common practice of open or polyamorous relationships. While these types of arrangements might seem attractive because they remove the pressure of monogamy, don’t enter into them lightly. If you want an exclusive relationship, then communicate that up front. I’ve dealt with couples who said they had an open marriage but didn’t consistently check in with each other on how it was working for them. Expectations weren’t clarified and the result was a lot of hurt and animosity towards one another. Needless to say, the marriage fell apart.

If you want to discuss how to develop your Non-negotiable list of characteristics, you may contact me for a session. Otherwise, I trust this article gave you some things to consider in your pursuit of the one you hope to share your life with.